Email advice

Apparently the following advice has been circulated in a major NZ university on the phrasing of emails to students:

Wrong!
You want a days extension! Ha ha ha!

I'm sorry to hear of the death of your father/auntie/cat/pet gerbil. Especially since I'm fully convinced you never had one. Even if you presented me with the body laid out in an open casket, I'd still suspect you'd got one of those goff Engineering students to dig it up out of Grafton cemetery.

Whatever grade I gave you, you still wouldn't pass this course. I suspect you'd have problems passing water without drinking five pints of Lion Red first. Oh sorry, you don't drink Lion - should have guessed that from the headtowel you wore in the one lecture you came to this term. Cristal then.

Call me old fashioned, but to get a degree in an English speaking country you actually have to speak English. Which you have about as much skill at as George Bush.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going to report this to Sheik Yerbouti - if he's related to you, he must be a thickshake!

I will not be giving you the assignment extension. You are not only thick as pigshit, but a hideously ugly freak to boot.

Yours,
Dr Insensitive Bastard


Right!

Thank you for asking for an extension for your May class assignment.

I'm very sorry to hear about the death of your family member. Please accept my condolences. This year has certainly been a tragic one for you - it is some time since a student had more than two bereavements in a semester, let alone twelve.

I hope this sadness will not affect your success as a postgraduate student here at the University. Should you find the need to take some differently challenging units next term, I would commend our business school to you. They offer a range of internationally appropriate studies leading to recognised qualifications. Understanding that all languages are valid and vibrant forms of communication in international business, they avoid judging students on their (perhaps imperfect) command of just one of the planets tongues.

Your extension has been approved. Are you happy with a B+ grade?

I look forward to seeing you on your next visit to the university. If as mentioned you require an aegrotat for next term's classes then please let us know.

Kia Kaha,
Dr Sensitive Financially-Friendly